I am writing this negative review because in a cost of living crisis I feel I have a moral obligation to warn families not to spend their hard-earned money on an event that is clearly taking the piss.
On the weekend I took two 19-year-olds, a 17-year-old and a 12-year-old to the Firelight Labyrinth event that’s currently running underneath Marvel Stadium. I need to mention their ages for context: these were not bored toddlers with no attention span. These were fully-formed human beings who have the requisite awareness to understand when they’ve been hoodwinked by the City of Melbourne.
The media release for the event promised that the “underground space” at Marvel Stadium would be transformed, and ‘visitors will weave their way through a mythical maze of light and sound – through cutting-edge technology, dynamic audio and over 144,000 lights.”
What we got was a fairly disappointing experience, not quite as bad as the now infamous Glasgow Willy Wonka event, but it was definitely headed down that path – and the path is lit with red neon.
I told a friend I was going a few days before-hand and when I said “underground space” he said “you mean the carpark?” and I scoffed because surely that wouldn’t be it, right? And he laughed at me and said “THERE IS NOTHING ELSE THERE, IT IS LITERALLY THE MARVEL STADIUM CARPARK.”
Lo and behold, when it was time for our timed entry, we were let in down the lift to the carpark and then the Willy Wonka fun times began. And they didn’t even try to pretend it wasn’t the car park. I sent photos to my friend, who clearly felt vindicated when I expressed concern that I had, in fact, been “Wonka’d”
In penning this review, I felt compelled to check Reddit to see if it was just me – maybe other people loved it? Maybe I was missing something. Maybe I was just cold and hangry and didn’t give it the benefit of the doubt? Nope.
Writing on Reddit, user Pupperoni_pizza said: ‘Melbourne’s version of Glasgow’s Willy Wonka experience. Fucking atrocious.” To which user wherestheGTlineup responded: “Legit what I was thinking while I was walking through it. They didn’t even try to hide the car park pay stations or signs.”
So the thing is you follow a bit of red neon, walk under some red neon archways and see some more red neon snaked over the carpark floor. If you’ve been to Lightscape at the Botanic Gardens, just imagine one of the immersive displays that they have around trees and flower beds and think what it would look like if it were around the pillars of a car park instead.
You dare not dream the impossible dream? Never mind, I got a photo for you.
The “main event” is just past all this. The retelling of the “epic ancient Greek tale of Theseus and the Minotaur is reimagined through cutting-edge technology, dynamic audio and an astonishing array of over 144,000 lights.”
Which, honestly, was pretty bang on. If you think about King Minos of Crete imprisoning the half-man half-bull Minotaur below Marvel Stadium, (which used to be called Etihad Stadium in ancient times) with a lot of flashing lights and some really loud doof doof music blaring, just waiting for Theseus to crack the shits and knock the whole thing down. Minotaur freed!
But surely that can’t be it, because I was promised a 45-60 minute immersive experience and I haven’t even been down here in the Labyrinth for 20 minutes yet. Perhaps there’s more?
Walking to the next area appears to be a place to pose for photos that is basically randomly an advertisement for China Airlines. What have I missed? I’m confused (and by the way, China Airlines, if you’re reading this – and I know your comms people will be – you should be ashamed at having your branding all over this rip off.)
Back on Reddit for more validation and it appears I hadn’t just taken a wrong turn at Minos. The event was indeed done, dusted, kaput. User lawyerz88 said: “I felt scammed out of $80 for 2 persons. It was terrible, and left with “IS THAT IT!?!?”. Would have been okay if it was $10. Avoid.”
So we went out the exit.
At this point in the review I really, really wish I could share the photo of my 12-year-old daughter looking even more surly than usual at this event but I can’t run the risk of turning her into a meme. Needless to say, it was a major disappointment for everyone who went.
The price tag for this event is $37.50 per ticket for adults, while children can get in for $22.00 each. If you happen to have a family construct consisting of two adults and two children aged 4-13, the whole lot of you will be able to take advantage of a family ticket that works out to $28.75 each. Appalling.
It turns out, like all Wonka experiences, there was a golden ticket and my husband had it: he spent the 20 minutes having a beer at a nearby bar.
Families should definitely avoid this underwhelming experience and spend their money elsewhere. i’ve been burned by these sorts of Pissweak World-esque events before. Hello Rain Room. Hello Imaginarium. Every time I am burned by one of these half-baked events, I solemnly declare to give it the review it deserves.
On the other hand, the very excellent Lightscape that’s also on right now over at the Royal Botanic Gardens offering an actual immersive experience with a 2.2km trail of lights that will take you around 1.5 hours to walk around costs only a few bucks more per person.
The Firelight Labyrinth is running in the Marvel Stadium carpark until 14 July, but dude don’t say I didn’t warn you. I don’t even have the heart to link to it.
